November 23, 2010

Drama Queen

I hardly know how to put to words what is inside of me. I know that I can't express it verbally. People ask me how I am doing and I open my mouth wanting to say what's inside, but the only thing that comes out are reassurances. The truth is that I'm suffocating, but I have no idea how to say it. Something broke in me a few days ago. The dam of discontent came crashing down and I am now churning around in the foamy waters. Very dramatic I know, and somewhat humiliating to know that people who know me are reading this. But I have to write it, because it doesn't work when I try to say it.

Regardless of what I know to be true, I continue to measure my value by what I am doing (or not doing). I long to be a part of the world again, but since I have nothing to do but stay at home, I find myself curling up into a tiny hard ball - away from people, and away from myself. I want to cry but my eyes are dry. Dear God what happened to my life! I don't want to be hard! I don't want to be a basket case! I feel like I'd be happy if I was doing something, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. Apparently I've got years ahead of me... is this really what I am going to do? Nothing?

I can't say what I want to say, so here it is in writing, because I don't want to become a recluse. I feel like I am drowning. Please pray for me. Something has to give.


derrydown said...

You need to find an outlet for your gifts and talents, which are still there in abundance. Would MCC have some opportunity for you to get involved in something up your alley on a part-time basis? I would imagine there would be something related to cancer patients, but I think that would fall in the category of cancer defining who you are, and not using the real Jess. I love you, honey.

Love's Door said...

from Regina: no, not a drama queen--you are just living life as a real person. Emotions and feelings are a part of us, although we work hard to keep them tidily undercover most of the time. Maybe the gift of this time for you is to begin to know your value in God's eyes as totally separate from your accomplishments/productivity. I find myself forever struggling w/this, always hoping to somehow curry favor w/him, only to find out that it's already there. Praying for you--love, Regina