In Which Being Able to Laugh at Oneself Pays Off Tremendously

I've been informed by an old acquaintance that I am overdue for a blog entry. The mid-winter stretch is upon us and this of course makes daily life seem rather uneventful. I recently looked back at some of our blog entries living in China and re-realized how many "abnormal" things happened there on a daily basis. At the time it seemed normal enough, and blogging about it seemed very natural. I remember that one of my close friends remarked that either we had a very interesting life or we were just really good story tellers. I'm now of the opinion that it was the former. With the cancer thing slowing down and living back in North America, it seems like there is not much to write about.

This was never intended to be a Cancer Blog. It began primarily as a way for us to relate our lives in China to our faraway friends and family. I really disliked the idea of writing group emails or of having to explain the same things over and over again to different people.

Cancer blog is not a bad thing. In fact I think our readership probably multiplied by a factor of ten or so. It was a little overwhelming when I suddenly realized that we had acquaintances of acquaintances reading, or people that James or I not seen for ten years or so reading it. For a while I was receiving emails almost daily from people that I didn't even know saying that they were reading and praying. I wondered then, as I occasionally still wonder now, what it was about my story that made it more interesting than the thousands (dare I say millions) of other cancer victims out there. Or better put, what is there interesting to read about cancer? What person whose life is untouched by cancer really wants to read about another person's life that is (and a stranger at that)?

Nonetheless, this blog fell into its new role as Cancer Blog. As in China, there was plenty to write about... changing emotions, thoughts about the future, new treatment plans etc, etc. These things have not ceased, but they have markedly slowed down, and they have also had a decreasing impact on our lives. With the continued and growing knowledge that God continues to be God, despite my physical health, the fact that I have a brain tumor has slowly lost its power in our lives. Its not something we spend hours thinking about anymore, even though its medical prognosis over our lives has not changed. Theoretically, I'm still dying. But I do spend hours basking in the Truth that I have in God; that I am not afraid of Death, nor am I afraid of Life.

So now what to write about? Do I write just for the sake of writing? That sounds boring.

James and I have fallen back into a very precious niche of ours, one we've had since we started dating. That is, dreaming about our future. I have mentioned before that this kind of dreaming is not an attempt to escape the present, it is merely an manifestation of the level of excitement we have for our lives. While I live, we intend to LIVE, not limit. Our most recent dreams have included: James doing an internship with the FAO in a few years (which would require us living in Rome), me in Med School (as you already know), or me doing an dietetic internship with the Dietitians of Canada.

Dreaming is just so darn fun! So many of the fun things we have already done started with the seed of a dream. Dreaming is often stigmatized as not being realistic. In our case especially, I think that some people would accuse us of being escapists. Recently, I asked the Dean of my university department to refer me for a dietetic internship. He agreed, but first he sat and talked with me in his office for close to an hour about my health condition and how I was doing emotionally. I suspect that he wanted to determine for himself if my optimism was a carefully crafted front, and if the peace that I display was genuine before referring me. What resulted was an extremely open discussion where both of us walked away feeling encouraged. I viewed it as an unexpected blessing. How many people walk away from a hour meeting with a University dean feeling spiritually encouraged?

In both Christian and non-Christian circles, there is a lot of discussion about the power of positive thinking. I agree, certainly, but my version of it is just to keep on living. We can talk about being positive, or we can just live positively. However, I don't think that positive thinking means rejecting the negative or rejecting Death. That would just be denial. Rather, I think that keeping a view of Death in our lives lends a certain sharpness and acuity to the way we live. In all of our dreams now, James and I always leave room for death. But this does not make us sad.

So we live by dreaming, and we also live in the day to day. There is a lot in the day to day that is also makes us feel very ALIVE. For example, two days ago, I had to go from the University of Manitoba to Victoria Hospital to get some routine blood work done. These two institutions are practically side by side, but in order to get to the hospital, you have to walk all the way to Pembina Highway, which then travels by the longest route possible back to the hospital( at least a 20 minute walk). As I walked the route, I couldn't help but noticing how close the hospital looked just across the field of snow. Impulsively, I took the road less travelled by (aka, there was no road, only a field of untouched hip deep snow).

It started out okay, it seems that one person had travelled part of the way through the field (but then wisely stopped), so I followed in their tracks. When I came to the unbroken snow, it looked hard enough to walk on top, so I gingerly tried to lift myself above the snowy depths. But then I started breaking through the snow up to my hips! We're talking Peter trying to walk on water here. Try as I might, I could not get back onto the surface of the snow, so I treaded through the snow, giggling to myself at how ridiculous I must look! Then my Canadian breeding kicked in, "If only I can increase my surface area, I can stay on top of the snow!". Half the field left to go and the hospital looked closer than ever! Perseverance Jessica! I spread myself out on my stomach and crawled commando style across the snow (still breaking through), clearly visible from two major roads, the hospital windows towering above the field and to the construction workers just across the... fence (oh no!).

At this point I was laughing out loud hysterically at myself and pouring with sweat. A grown adult, mother, nutritionist, and cancer patient unsuccessfully commando crawling over an open field and covered in snow, just for the sake of saving a few minutes! Finally I made it to the last impediment... the chain link fence (complete with wire ends at the top for the express purpose of deterring people like me). But I was not to be deterred. Going back now would mean going through the field again AND walking twenty minutes. And the hospital was right there!

Climbing over a fence is challenging at any time, but far more so when wearing thick winter boots and fighting to rise above the hip-deep snow that sucks you down. I finally made it up to the top, where I hovered on the spikes while preparing to throw my weight in one last concerted effort over the fence. After all, if I got hurt, I was already on my way to the hospital (how convenient!)

Rrrrip! Not my flesh thank goodness, but a large patch of my pants and long underwear had ripped open to the skin! Jessica's thigh exposed to the world! Walking the remaining ten feet to the hospital on concrete, open jeans flapping with each step, I momentarily experienced a sensation of "I wish I hadn't done that". But I quickly brushed it aside and proceeded to go to the blood lab in the hospital, ripped pants and all.

Anyone reading this story will have the same reaction that James did, "Why did you do that?". But, as ridiculous as it was, I hold that it was extremely fun laughing by myself as I crawled through the snow. Personally, I think it is a great example of enjoying living and feeling ALIVE.

Would I do it again? Probably not!

Report on the Murder Mystery!

And here we are with the long awaited report on our murder mystery. Despite the fact that James and I were still writing up cue cards a mere two hours before it started, the evening was an unprecedented success! I give credit for the fun time to all of our friends and family who really got into character. I was in peals of laughter at the outbursts of angry Portugese from the Viceroy of Macau, the snuffbox, sneezing and embarrassing medical diagnoses of Dr. Wang, the mysteries of the Tao expounded upon by Master Huang, the operatic bursts of song from Esmeralda Castafiore, the unashamed American pride of the US Marshal and much much more!

So we wound our way down the paths of mystery, with great shocking revelations, startling accusations and, yes, even a few downright fights!

Here are some pictures of our great event.

Group Photo

James' sisters (Mei Li and the maid)

Our roommate (Japanese art collector)

My Dad (US Marshal Orin L'Amour)

James and I (and my wig!)

James' Sister (Madame Wang) and her husband (Dr. Wang)

My Mom (famous American opera singer Esmeralda Castafiore)

Me as the Empress Dowager Cixi with my puppet, the Emperor

Our good friends (the Dread Pirate Tshin Kuo-Hak and his cabin boy)

Goofy, goofy James (Sir James Basswood Yaardley)

Our Brother-in-law (Master Huang)

My sisters (Sister Maria Franco and Sister Maria Ascuncion) and our roommate (the Cardinal)

My sister and her husband (The Portuguese Viceroy of Macau)

James' brother (German mercenary) with an African head carving

Now here comes the shameless advertising. After all the time and effort we have put into this mystery, we have decided to experiment and see if we might be able to make a profit from this!

If you want to find out the intricacies of our story, experience the thrill of a good mystery and get dressed up with your friends for an evening, James and I are considering the option of renting ourselves out to conduct our murder mystery with you and your friends. You would provide the guest list, the location, the food (and a rental fee), and James and I would arrange the rest, even coming to your home in character to facilitate the smooth progression of your party. Make us an offer! We dare you!

Our own little trial run revealed certain glitches that need to be fixed, and of course, the expectation is that there will be some parts of the mystery that run slower than others. We are not professionals and we are still learning, but all of our guests said that they had a really great time.

Of course, the mystery will only be as good as the people who are participate, so you must be sure that you have outgoing participants. Enthusiasm is a must. And everyone must be dedicated to staying in character and following directions, even when told to do something "embarrassing"!

Further update - My last round of chemo went really, really well. Apparently the extra strong nausea meds did the trick. Ironically, I had more of an appetite while on the chemo than I have had in months. I have also started the injections for my white blood cells, and those side effects also seem to be minimal (some bone pain). I have another MRI on Jan25.

We have also begun the new term for school. For me, re-entering chemistry after a five year break has been a little like diving into a cold pool of water. I have been reminded of how much chemistry I used to know.

Nutrition requires a lot of chemistry, but it is a very specific branch of chemistry, so I have forgotten a lot of the stuff from other branches.

Needless to say, a lot of studying is in order. It is starting to come back (thank you God!), but I have had to review some real basics in order to retrieve it. Balancing reactions, laws of thermodynamics, bond energy of glucose... I came home from my second class crying and feeling so out of the loop! I have been glued to my textbook for the last day, and thankfully, along with the returning knowledge is a returning love for Chemistry. Its hard, but I love the way that it is so logical!

The unfortunate news in our family is that the extra grant that would have allowed our whole family to go to Bali, was turned down. I suppose that if I were handing out grants, I would choose an application that overtly expanded science over one that involved flying a family to Bali so that they can stay together. Of course it sucks and we still haven't figured out how the summer will go now with this change in our plans. I won't pretend to be happy about this turn of events, but I also feel that it would be pointless to get overly upset about it (plenty of time for that later!).

Anyhow, that's all for now!

Coming Soon... The Murder Mystery!

I'm sure you'll remember that I posted our Murder Mystery invite on here a while back. We ended up having to postpone it by a week due to a family situation. And that means that this Saturday, Jan.8 will be the grand unveiling! We are getting very excited!

Our story is set in the 1880's near Shanghai in China. A Portugese Priest has been found murdered, at his inland mission. Portugal is upset with China and considering military intervention, and China is angry at the insinuation that they are killing foreigners! Queen Victoria wonders if there is need for British involvement. All of this lies amidst mysterious backdrop of ancient Taoist art gone missing, a thriving underground opium trade and piracy on the high Formosan Seas!

Sixteen invitation have been extended and accepted to a small circle of friends and family. A wide selection of costumes have been rented or created. Character information sheets have been sent to each person. Secrets abound! And all of this comes to a climax at our house on Jan.8.

Here is a list of the characters who will be taking part in our mystery...

James Basswood Yaardley III, 9^th Earl of Hampshire – A magistrate sent by her Majesty Queen Victoria to investigate the death of the Priest. He must inform the Queen whether it will be necessary to assist Portugal in a war against China.

Lady Hedwig von Bremerhaven – Wife of the 9^th Earl of Hampshire

Arturo XXX, Viceroy of Portuguese Macao – As a Portugese citizen, the Priest fell under the jurisdiction of the Viceroy of Macao. If the Priest was murdered by Chinese locals, it becomes be his responsibility to bring his troops into the area and teach the locals a lesson.

Sister Maria-Franco, Nun of the Order of St. Bartholomew – She has worked at the St. Joseph’s Mission for 20 years

Sister Maria-Asuncion, Nun of the Order of St. Bartholomew – She only arrived a few weeks before the murder from Portugal to work at the St. Joseph’s Mission

Sgt. Major Orin L’Amour - United States Marshal – He has come to investigate missing art and stolen money on behalf of the Hartford Castafiores

Esmeralda Castafiore (“of the Hartford Castafiores”) – She is a famous American opera singer who paid a large sum of money for art that was never delivered to her.

Tshin Kuo-hak – Notorious Pirate King of the Formosan Sea

Yang Yang – Cabin Boy of Tshin Kuo-hak

Cixi, Empress Dowager of China – She wants to ensure that the missionary’s death does not lead to a foreign attack on Chinese soil

His Excellence, Cardinal Garibaldi di Popomobilissimo – The Cardinal is the Priest’s superior, and has come to investigate his death on behalf of the Catholic church

Dr. Wang – A reputable doctor of Chinese Traditional Medicine who lives in Shanghai. He often partnered with the Priest to provide free medical care at the Catholic mission

Madam Wang – She is the socialite wife of the reputable Chinese doctor Dr. Wang. She is very elegant, and from a very influential family in Shanghai. She was educated in America.

Master Huang, Abbot of Shanshan Taoist Monastery – The monastery is located close to St. Joseph’s mission. It is well known that the Abbot dislikes the Priest.

Mei Li – Chinese born, American educated, Mei Li returned to Shanghai with America’s famous free spirited attitude. She runs an opium den in Shanghai.

Klaus von Hess – He is a German mercenary (born in the Province of Hesse-Nassau). He has fought in wars on most continents, but currently shines his rifle for the Portuguese army of Macao.

Lao Pangzi – She is the Chinese washer woman and cook who has worked at the St. Joseph’s Mission for twenty years.

Aiko Yakamoto – Ms. Yakamoto is a wealthy Japanese art collector from Tokyo.

The only downside to our party was the dismaying news that I will back on chemotherapy for five days Jan.5-9, and that our party falls in this timeframe. Not so much fun, but we will press on regardless of my condition!

My pharmacy filled a massive prescription for me last week, and even the pharmacist were feeling bad for me and expressing concern! Two anti-nausea meds (one so strong that they had to appeal to a higher governing authority for approval). Two strengths of oral chemotherapy. Seven doses of injections to raise my White Blood Cell count over the next 14 days (side effects: bone pain, joint pain, nosebleeds and headaches). All of this on top of my anti-seizure meds and acid blockers for my stomach!

This update is not here so that you pity me. It is merely an update so that if you think of me over the next week you can pray that I am not just welded to my bed. There are numerous side effects to all these meds and they all sound less than appealing. My biggest struggle these days is my appetite, which is pretty much non-existent. Food has entirely lost its appeal for me (a sad loss - I never realized before how much pleasure I got from eating a good meal). I can only eat when my hunger pangs force me to, and then I need to stop as soon as the pangs are gone. Sweet things have no appeal whatsoever. For the most part I have learned to control and live with the whims of my stomach, but small disturbances easily make whatever is in there come up. I can see myself quickly becoming skeletal!

Nonetheless in spite of the discomfort, my spirits are high and I consider myself to be a very blessed individual. I celebrated my 27th birthday yesterday and it was very pleasant indeed. I am very thankful for my life.

Uncle Sam wants YOU to help James win Story of the Month

Hey there all! James here. I have a story that was published on an online magazine called Bartleby Snopes. It is being considered for Story of the Month, and it would be swell if you could help out. Just visit this site:

http://www.bartlebysnopes.com/stories.htm

Scroll down to near the bottom, and you'll see the option to vote. My story is published under my "pen name" Jack Frey. The story is called Seafood Delight.

The last day to vote is January 2nd. Thanks!!!

Family Update

I have realized that with all of my ramblings of things inside my head, family news has gone by the wayside. So here it goes, a sort of belated Christmas newsletter.

James' first term working at his Masters went well. For the most part, he has thoroughly enjoyed his reunion with the scholastic environment. There have of course, also been refreshers of certain aspects of school that we'd happily forgotten. An exciting possibility on the horizon is that James' project for his thesis is located in Bali, Indonesia and it looks like he'll have to spent a good portion of the summer there. Of course, I wouldn't find this very exciting if there were not the distinct possibility that all four of us can go. We should be hearing back about funding for this in the near future. So here is a new prayer request... pray that we can all go to Bali as a family!

As many of you know, James is also an extremely dedicated creative writer. He has seen a lot of his work get published in this last year and was also recently nominated for the Push Cart prize. These are all short stories, but he is also working on a novel or two (which I look forward to seeing in print!).

As for myself, shortly after writing that last blog post, I was given special permission to register late at the University and I am enrolled in a Chemistry course and lab starting in January. I admit to being a nerd in that I LOVE chemistry and that I am looking forward to a happy reunion with it. Like I said last time, I'll slowly peck away at the courses that I need, and refresh the other ones that I have forgotten. When that is done (probably one year), we can reassess the situation, see how things are going, and first and foremost, wait for God's direction.

I am also working on a Music Theory course, mostly independent. I plan to write the exam that I should have written 10 years ago and then I will be registered to teach. So I have spending hours refreshing things that I have not thought about it those 10 years. In the process, I have decided that music is an archaic language (rather like Latin) that has somehow managed to maintain its form over the years and not be changed into something that is more logical that makes more sense. Don't get me wrong, I do love it. But lets face it, the way to write and play music was developed way back around the Renaissance, not the most "efficient" time (just how many clefs and scale types can you have anyway?).

Anyway, all that to say that I think music theory is overly complicated and would probably be much easier if it had been developed today. Then again, that being said, I suppose the same could be said of most languages. Chinese and English in particular (very inefficient!). And if I am not careful I will make myself sound like modern snob who would happily do away with old and beautiful things for the purpose of efficiency and speed... definitely not me.

Ari and Jude continue to develop and amaze us. Ari's new thing is to stump me with very hard questions. Its not that I don't know the answers, its just that I don't know how to explain them to a 5 year old. The problem is that my instinct is to try and explain the science behind something. But I suppose that there is a reason that they don't teach science in Kindergarten! (a conclusion I came to when I found myself trying to show Ari with my hands how techtonic plates work).

So I have to find a balance. To the question, "Where do babies come from", I am not content to say "Because when a Mama and a Papa love each other very much..." etc, etc, etc. But I don't believe in telling him too many details at such a young age either. So I have settled for telling him about cells and how they work and how they grow and multiply and become different parts of the baby. I think this gives me a number of bonuses. 1) He thinks it is interesting. 2) It is the truth. 3) It skips the part that he is too young to understand and would probably turn into inappropriate jokes and lots of giggling (he is at the stage now where he thinks that certain body parts are VERY funny - what can you do?).

However, I realized on one occasion that I probably need to be either more clear or less detailed when explaining things of a scientific nature. Ari spent one morning blasting me with question after question and (to his credit) listening very carefully to my responses and asking intelligent questions in return. As such I thought that he was able to follow most of what I was saying. Interestingly enough, the discussion started off with him asking me about my tumor (how it got there, how it grows, why it makes me sick etc.). He already knows about cells, so I explained to him about "good" cells and "bad" cells. After exhausting this subject, he then started asking questions about babies, and again we talked about cells.

In the end of the discussion, he looked at me all confused and said, "So babies need tumors to help them grow?" I knew then that somewhere along the way I had messed up badly. But seriously, what else are you supposed to do when you are bombarded with hard questions and you don't want to brush them aside? I could say, "It just IS", or "you'll understand when you are older" over and over again, but I know Ari well enough to know that this would not satisfy him. Then he would just pester me until I got angry with him (also a bad option).

Jude is also showing remarkable perception. A number of times, I have watched a movie with him that he had never seen, and he was able to accurately predict what would happen in the movie before it happened. He doesn't watch that many movies, so this is not an indicator of his familiarity with filmography. Somehow at his young age he is just able to read events. He also has an adorable lisp with his missing tooth and listening to him talk is very funny sometimes. Some of this more memorable sentences in the last while... "Mommy I am a football team", or "Ari if you have a bad dream you should just think about biting a giant frog".

And now for one final reflection before signing off. This Christmas was a little chaotic in the realm of health. We've had a bad flu/cold go around all the members of our household, and this has coincided with a severe drop in my White Blood Cell count. I, of course, caught the illness (and more) which made for a very stuffy headed, bile-taste-in-mouth, and hungry Christmas. What got me through it without being cranky was a wonderful thought that I had one week ago.

I was sitting and daydreaming a little, thinking about what my life would be like if God healed me. As I thought about it, I suddenly became a little panicked when it occurred to me that I would have no idea what to do with that experience. If God were to give me such an amazing gift, what would I do with it? Would I be able to glorify him the way that he would deserve? But quick on the heels of that thought was this one. "Would God be more deserving of glory if he healed me than he already is now?"

No.

Joy and relief flooded me when I realized that whether or not I am healed, God is deserving of glory. Hand in hand with that is that God WILL be glorified... whether or not I choose to give him glory. God's holiness and his glory is not dependent on my circumstances. That makes me feel two things. 1) Relief - thank goodness it doesn't depend on me, and 2) Jealousy - its kind of like being told that an awesome party is going to be held and you are invited to join, but that if you decide not to come it is going to be an awesome party.

I WANT to be there. I WANT to sing God's praises, not just because of all that he has done in my life, but because I want to be part of the chorus that sings his praises. I loved knowing that this Christmas. That whether or not I feel "Christmasy" (what is that anyway?) and whether or not it is even Christmas, Jesus IS glorified.

In closing I wanted to send out a thank you to a number of people who sent little gifts either for us or for the boys. Whatever the gifts were, it is the thoughts that count the most. I am thinking particularly of a woman in Winnipeg who I've never met and didn't even know my name that sent me a scarf in the mail and a beautiful encouraging letter. You know who you are! I was very touched. Thank you very much, and yes, the "reindeer" made it through the postal system in one piece!