Pictures Part II

The first picture is our brother in law Carlos who was enthralled by the homemade bird kites that get made here in China.  James, he, the boys and another friend were able to get away from the hospital for a little while yesterday to have some fun in the park.  While I was bored and extremely unhappy at the hospital, I can honestly say that I was happy not to be constantly subjecting them to my misery.

 

Second picture, more fun in the park.  I think that the boys are unmatchable in their enthusiasm for juice (not that they get it that often)

 

Thoughts from a hospital bed

Still no journal and still lots ot thoughts so here I am again.

 

What bittersweetness has been the last few days.  I don't think the human brain (especially mine apparenty!) was made to handle such contradicting thoughts.  Only God can help me come to terms with all the things that can simultaneously coexist in my head right now.  I don't want to speak like someone expecting to die, but when you are brought face to face with that possibility there are certain things that happen.  I don't want to play on emotions or be dramatic, but suddenly I have this great desire to be an open person, not to be hiding things and not to leave things unsaid.  This is not out of fear, but rather out of a great gushing from within me.

 

James and I have had much opportunity for conversations from my hospital bed and these talks have been so very meaningful for the both of us.  One thing that James and has said over and over again, is that an event like this acts like a plough that comes and stirs up the soil of your life, and in that ploughing, you get to find out what has been there all this time, or the different things that have been growing (other than tumors!).  In one sense, I feel like I have been given a great gift.  How often have we heard people ponder the qeustion, "What would you do if you knew that you had X number of months/years to live?"  Whatever the outcome of this whole thing is, I feel like I have really had the chance to ponder that question, and the seeds this plough has turned up have been very precious to me. 

 

1) I am so proud of myself.  I'm not trying to be vain, but I don't have any resonant feelings of having wasted any of my twenty six years. As cliche as it sounds I wouldn't change anything.  I am so happy with James and I am a very proud mother.  I am happy that I have gone to school and that I love nutrition and that I can speak Chinese.  I am happy that I have loved James and the boys with all my heart without clinging desparately to them.   I am so proud of the boys and I am so pround of James.  They fill my heart with joy like nothing else.  If anything happens to me I have no doubt that they'll have the best father in the world and I think I have the smartest, cutest boys on the planet. 

 

2) I am so happy for my friends, family and friendships.  I am happy for having loved people and been open with them, for hearing other people's stories and appreciating them for their own unique value.

 

3) I really love the Chinese people that I have come to know.  There is a certain lack of fear that exists in them that we do not see in North Americans.  I don't know how to explain it, but there is this expected inevitability that in your life you will eat bitter things, and when that happens, all you can do it eat it.  None of my Chinese friends have shied away from the strength of emotion that I have even been scared of in myself.  They hold my hands (literally), they have prayed and spoken words of encouragement.

 

4) I am so happy that I have been saved from a meaningless life apart from God.  He fills my days with beauty, with purpose, with life.

 

5) While we are writing a list, I might as well as add that my Dad is also scheduled for an angiogram sometime in the next week and my Mom recently had an MRI.  When it rains it pours!

 

It is awfully strange to have these sensations combined with a definite sense of limited mental ability.  We don't really know if it is the medications or the tumor, but I have very limited concentration.  Reading and concentration is difficult (such as looking at anything, thinking, walking), but I also have another day to kill until the doctor arrives to escort me back to Canada.  I have to sit still when I am normally used to being very active, both mentally and physically.  I could spend all my time watching movies, but right now that just seems like it would be a waste ot time.  James is being quite a trooper.  He is playing guitar for me for hours on end.

 

To sum it up, there is no way to sum up the way that I feel.  I battle boredom and a feeling of uselessness of all things.  I battle confusion and I feel intense gratefuleness at the same time.  What are humans if not complex?  I feel some anxiety for the boys, because I wonder what they will remember of this.  They say children adapt quickly, but as we saw with coming to China, Ari took a little longer than we expected.  At what point in thier childhood do we explain the Mommy had a brain tumor that could reappear?  Who knows?  Right now I am okay with not knowing.

 

This blog post is simultaneously scattered, dramatic, overdone and not enough... but none of these things on purpose.  I look forward to seeing many of you soon!

 

Love Jessica

The Ravings of Jessica's Brain Tumor

I will try to put into writing the events and the emotions of the past few days.  Why on a blog, you may ask?  It maybe seems a little to public a place to put private thoughts and emotions  Well, there are a few reasons for this.  One is that I can not use my hand to write in a journal due to the constant presence of a painful penetrating saline lock in my right hand.  Typing is a little more endurable, but I fear that if my thoughts don't get out, my gloomy presence will darken the atmosphere of so many people who are trying to help me.  Another reason is that I have had this idea of one day printing up this blog in a sort of book form for our family to look back on in years to come.  It would seem a bit neglectful to overlook an event of such an earthshattering nature that occured during our time in China.  Another is that this is the most effective way for me to respond to all the emails from people asking about my well being.  So that being said, here are some categories of things going on in my mind.

 

1) Fear (of course)

Having a seizure turns out to be a very terrifying experience.  I have dim recolections of reading Chinese characters at school, watching them change on the page in front of me, smelling an odd smell and feeling a strong sense of deja vue  These pre-symptoms had also happened twice before, but when I laid down they went away.  My mouth suddenly stopped working and I was trying to apologize to my teacher for my sudden intense confusion.  I figured that if I went to drink some water I could maybe shake it off, but as I held the water in my hand, I found that I could not control it and it was splashing all over me.  I remember calling for help, but I don't remember hitting the floor or going into convulsions.  After that it was all a blur of hearing voices until we had been in the emergency room for a while.  They took me for a CT scan pretty quickly, and upon hearing that I had a 4-5cm tumor, I started hyperventilating.  James was very good about acknowledging all of the variety of thoughts that we had in our minds without dwelling too much on any one of them.

 

2) Confusion/Depression/Guilt

Of course I wondered if I would live to see my boys grow up, or if I would eventually fade into a dim memory in a few important people's minds.  I have also been on anti-stimulant drugs to keep my brain from becoming overly stimulated.  These have made me dozy, somewhat depressed and unfocussed.  The guilt of course comes from the knowledge of just how many people's summer vacation I am personally ruining and how much money is being spent on me.  I know it can't be helped, but it certainly is not anyone's idea of a good time to be running around at all hours of the day and night working out things for me.

 

3) Curiosity/Humor

I will be very bummed out after my surgery if they do not let me see this thing that has been growing in my head for who-knows-how-long.  Being in nutrition, I have had to take a number of classes on the human body and its goings on.  I would be fascinated to see the small portions of my own brain that they remove and the tumor as well.  Also, if I suddenly require any type of "hair loss" inducing treatments, I will get to see what I look like bald.  That ought to be interesting. James has been trying to convince me for years that I should shave my head.  Another part of the humor comes from how everyone is referring to this as "Jessica's tumor".  I think this is funny because it sounds like something that I have been carefully nuturing and hiding over the years, like a precious fungus or a strange monkey's paw.  For the record, this does not offend me.  After all, what else are you supposed to call it?  Jessica's pet?  It also reminds me of the story from the Bible of the Philistines returning the Ark of the Covenant to the Israelites and placing golden rats and golden tumors inside.

 

Another part of my curiosity is from wondering what my head will look like after this.  Obviously, this tumor has misplaced something, so it is just going to be empty when they have taken it out?  Will I have a steal plate in my head?  Will I have a baby-like fontanel?  "Hey guys, Jess is getting angry, her dent is turning red!" 

 

4) Thoughts about the future

Suddenly it seems ironic that I was whining a bit about missing Canada, the clean air and al the open spaces.  While I never really thought that I wanted to go home, this whole thing has made me certain that I am not ready to leave China yet.  If we were leaving for good, my heart would be breaking right now.  We have so many friends, we have gained so much training and ability.  As the days pass, I am beginnging to view this whole thing as something that I will live through rather than an untimely end to my life.  Of course we still don't know for certain what the nature of this whole thing is and my mood changes several times per day, but everyday seems a little more positive (except for my restlessness at being cooped up in the hospital).  I am dizzy and easily exhausted, I do need people to help me do everything, I have limited interest in outside stimuli, my appetite is at an all time low.  Most of the time I sit in a dull emotionless world and wonder "Is this really my life, my story? It seems too dramatic, so sudden! How will it end?"

 

5)Thankful

Thank the dear Lord this happened exactly when it did.  Three days before the seizure I was in Chengdu (2 1/2 hour flight away from Beijing) by myself for the day and it would have been terrible if I had been on some street somewhere in Chengdu where no one knew me and it had happened then.  Or what if it had happened when James was traveling and I was at home with the boys?  They would have been terrified!  God was watching out for all of us!  My sister, Tannis was with me and able to respond very quickly.  My brother-in-law, Carlos, was able to stay with the boys while James brought me to the hospital.  The boys have been in good hands with them, they have been kept in a reasonable schedule and have had just enough questions answered not to be too worried about me. 

 

My God loves me so much, and he loves my children, and he loves my husband and family.  I have even heard from people from whom I thought I'd been estranged,, and this has perhaps been the greatest blessing of all.  If good can come from this, let it come.  For the trials we face, I want to gain the most from it.  For the blessings that we gain, I do not want to be blind to them.

 

Thank you Lord Jesus for your faithfulness and for your love!  Amen.

 

 

News you don't expect to read on our blog

This is James writing for Jessica.  Monday was a strange day.  At about 4:30 in the afternoon, Jessica had a seizure.  She was experiencing blurred vision, a strange smell and a strong sense of deja vue.  She went to get some water to drink but she fell and hit the floor hard, and was convulsing for about 20 seconds.  At that time, she was attending language class.  Tannis and Carlos (Jess' sister and her husband), had just arrived on Sunday so thankfully, Tannis was with her.  Carlos was at home with me and the boys, so I was able to go straight to get Jess, who was unable to walk.  We arrived at the hospital, by which time Jessica had recovered a bit of her mental clarity, but was still unable to move much and was very confused.

Over the last two days we have gone through CT scans and an MRI, both of which reveal the presence of a brain tumor about 4-5 cm in diameter.  It is located in the right side, occipital temporal area. 

We are all doing well.  Carlos and Tannis have been a huge blessing, and we are convinced that it was definitely God's timing to bring them to Beijing now.  Jessica is a little bit scared, but is also smiling.  I'm very proud of her.  Our Chinese friends have also been a big help to us, especially since Tannis and Carlos do not speak Chinese and don't know how to get around or buy food for the boys without their help.

After a long day yesterday we received some very good news.  After Jessica's MRI, we were visited by the neurosurgeon.  He said that the tumor does not appear to be malignant.  It is located in a very accessible region of the brain, not close to regions that may cause unwanted side affects.  (However, it may mess with eyesight and speech, so this is something to pray about.)

Additionally, he said that there appears to be some calcification of the tumor, which implies that the tumor is old (as the protein exits the tumor, proportionately more calcium remains).  This is good, because it indicates that the tumor has been slow growing.  If fact, he mentioned that some individuals may even be born with brain cells that gradually grow throughout life, and that the tumor may have been around for years.

The interesting side is that the presence of the tumor explains a number strange things affecting Jessica of late, including vision problems, spells of dizziness and confusion, strange smells, strong deja vue and dull headaches.  All these things can be explained by the increased pressure in her cranial membranes.

The immediate steps to be taken include putting her on a medication that reduces edema (gathering of water in the brain) and also a type of anti-epilepsy medication.  They could operate as soon as a day or two from now, but this point we need to make some decisions about where to have the surgery done.  After the surgery, there is a chance that she may recover within five days!

I don't know what else there is to write!  Praise God for his provision through all this.  We've been really blessed by our friends and family!

James

Smorgasborg

This blog posting unfortunately has no theme.  It is a mix and match.  However, I have been planning for some time now to do a feature (or maybe two) on Chinese fashion.  I was actually scolded last week for taking pictures of the clothing in a department store.  That should appear on hear somewhere in the near future.

 

A few nights ago, Ari drew that picture that you see here.  James and I were quite surprised by it.  Its not as though he has spent hours staring at pictures of ships and water, but somehow, he used a really unique persective to capture this scene.  He did this entirely by himself with no help from us.  There are even tropical-like fish swimming in the water.  He was very pleased to hear that I would put it up on the blog for the whole world to see.

 

James took the other picture of Ari one night when he woke him up to go to the bathroom.  He is totally asleep in this picture, but it seems that before he fell asleep that night, he took the time to tie a pair of socks around his feet.  True child logic for you.

 

Last night we were invited to go out for Karoke with our Chinese teachers and some friends who are leaving Beijing.  This is a truely favorite pastime in China.  Everyone sings karoke (they call it KTV) and they take it very seriously.  Sometimes when there were a few too many selections of extremely slow and sentimental Chinese songs, it was a little boring, but we spruced it up for ourselves with our own selections.  James and I sang a dramatic duet of "A Whole New World" , "Sweet Home Alabama" and some Beatles songs.  Our friends selected "Hey Jude" and felt that I was the most logical person to sing that song.  Jude danced at the front of the room for the whole song.

 

Recently we have had a number of expat friends leave for their home countries, and it is a bit strange to see them leave.  This is especially in light of the fact that we have another 20 months before we will see our Home and Native Land.   I admit that it has made me a little on the homesick side, and it doesn't help that we have had smuggy weather for a week straight.  Tomorrow I fly to Chengdu for the day, but it is usually just as bad there as far as air quality goes.  Last week, James was in South Korea and I wanted to cry when I saw all of his pictures of clean air and open spaces.  Oh to be surrounded by feilds again!

 

On the bright side we are not entirely without reminders of home!  In fact, as I write my sister Tannis and her husband Carlos are driving to Vancouver where they will depart for Beijing this Saturday.  Hurray!  It seems a little hard to believe.

We are truly excited to have them come as this is our first family visit.  It couldn't come at a better time!  We've been fighting a bit of the blues lately and welcome the chance to be with some family again and show them our world.  They have strict instructions to buy several Kgs of Tim Horton's coffee, some fresh Honey Glazed Donuts and fresh Fruit Explosion muffins from the Tim Hortons at the Vancouver airport before they leave.  Granted that 12 hours on the plane will make them a little less fresh, but who cares about that!  Yikes, does that ever sound like it is from a Tim Hortons comercial!  For the record, I did work for them while I was in high school, so maybe I owe them this free advertising.

 

Along with them, we also eagerly await the arrival of James' guitar, maple syrup, vanilla, Canadian Smarties, rhubarb (if it doesn't get confiscated!), Canadian gifts for our friends, books, and much more.  We anticipate many happy evenings of playing Settlers and eating popcorn, a visit to a water park, sightseeing (of course), and just some good and fun conversations.  We have a lot to do and I think that the time will go by very fast.   

 

In closing, I must shamefacedly admit that I completely forgot that today is Canada Day. As trivial as it sounds, I actually do feel a little cheated that I have been deprived of my annual shot of patriotism.  Canada grows quite dear to my heart these days and right now it seems very far away. 

 

Chinese perceptions of Canada are very interesting.  The other day a total stranger said to me, "You Canadians don't lock your doors when you leave the house."  I was quick to correct her. "Actually we do. Of course we do!."  The response was instant, "No you don't, because there are so few people in Canada, and you don't have bad people."  At times like this, I wish I could climb into their heads and see exactly what they imagine when they think about Canada.  I also thought it was interesting during this conversation that the lady felt so free to tell me exactly what state I leave my doors in when I leave the house.

 

Enough for now!  Be expecting a fashion blog sometime in the near future.  What I really wish I could do is post the Chinese fashion shows that are always played on the bus.  Now those are interesting!  The most recent ones have had muscular men dipped in silver paint to look like Greek statues.  Very very dramatic!