Another reason I have not been blogging much is that my thoughts have taken an increasingly negative turn and I have not wanted to put those up here. But really that is a somewhat hypocritical thing for me to do. At the beginning of all this I said that the reason I wanted to blog was to chronicle this journey that I am on, honestly expressing everything I experience. Apparently that is easier for me to do when I am talking about what it means to have faith, rather than now when I am angry and irritable.
Lately, I've been more prone to picking and choosing what I want people to know. This bothers me a lot. It is only one of many ways that I have seen myself withdrawing from people, turning inward and away. I have always been an open person, excited to meet new people, easily cheered up when down, etc. But now I hate meeting new people. My chemo cap gives me away. Most people are pretty good at masking their surprise after the initial curious look, but I imagine during the rest of the interaction that they they are burning with curiosity to know what is wrong with me. The thought of socializing makes me cringe. I feel like I am walking around with my hands clenched shut - and I hate that feeling, like I'm closing myself to the world.
Remember back when I wrote about Fiery Darts and Faith (Sept25)? I wrote about a hard realization I'd had that much of my faith until that time had been built on my good circumstances rather than on God, and that the stripping of my circumstances made me feel groundless. Well, I see now that another thing I have had faith in is my own good nature. "I'm a happy person, easy to get along with, people like me, of course God Loves me etc." But in the last while my good nature has also gone to the wind. I'm cranky and I complain a lot in my head. ("I hate being back on chemo. I'm so weak. I'm so breathless. I spend all my time sleeping. I'm always freezing. This sucks. My life is pointless. I don't want to talk to that person."
With my good nature stripped away it is hard for me to believe that any person, let alone God loves me. Yet another layer of the onion that is me peeled away.
All I see in me right now is ugliness and pointlessness, but regardless of that, I want to share myself openly both with you and with God. Why? Because I do not want to walk around with my hands in fists. I want my hands to be open. But they won't be open if I am trying to hide my ugliness. People will never know what is inside of me if I don't show them. And if they don't know what is inside of me, they won't be able to relate to me. If people can't relate to me... well, then I will be a lonely person.
Yes, I am back on chemo now and it is pure joy (let the sarcasm flow!). It is only for five days, but it is an increased dosage. I haven't been able to eat but that hasn't stopped my stomach from regurgitating bile. I am always freezing, regardless of how many blankets and layers I wear and my attitude SUCKS! I feel like throwing things. Two more days.
For those of you who feel that I have been denying myself by not being angry... here you go. I'm angry. Not at anything in particular... just angry.